Proper Feeding of Shogun the Dog

Shogun will soon be taking a great adventure traveling back to his homeland. Those assuming his care will need to know the proper feeding instructions for keeping Shogun satiated and full of energy for all the house guarding and monkey chasing he will need to do when back in the US.

Step One: Gather the necessary ingredients

Eukanuba Premium Performance
Six slices of American style processed cheese
Imported German stew-like wet dog food, extra stinky
One liter processed Indian roof water

Step Two: Dry Food

The proper portion of dry food is exactly two full 7-11 Super Big Gulp cups. Pour into microwave safe bowl.


Step Three: Wet Food


Shogun prefers the sausage-like New Zealand imported "Butch" dog food that comes in plastic tubes, but my importer hasn't been able to get it for the last couple months so we've switched to this weird German slop called "My Lord". My German is a litte rusty, but apparently it is made out of Lassie parts, or some deity, or both. Or maybe you are just supposed to say "My Lord" when you crack it open and see all of the coagulated fat floating on top. Regardless, it seems to be a satisfactory substitute.

As any great chef will tell you (or at least Gordon Ramsey), you have to keep tasting the food while you cook. Quality control is very important. Shogun can help with this. He will need to taste one to two chunks of the wet food at this point in the preparation to make sure it is good.



Assuming the German stuff passes inspection, pour over the dry food. These cans are large, 1300 grams. About the size that Hi-C used to come in in the 70's and early 80's. I use half a can, or 650 grams, around 22 ounces.



Step Four: Cheeeese

You must ensure the cheese is of acceptable quality before continuing with this step. Shogun can help with this.



After the cheese has passed the quality check, place four slices over the wet food.



Step Five: Water
Pour about 1 liter of Indian roof water over the ingredients, until you can see the dry food is fully submerged.


Step Six: Cook it

The food should then be nuked for 4 minutes 50 seconds in a 900 watt microwave. This step is very difficult for the food preparation assistant, and he will likely need reminded several times during this 4 minutes and 50 seconds that the food is cooking and that you have not forgotten about the incredibly important task you were doing. Once satisfied you are still on the job, he will usually wait patiently.




Step Seven: Mix well

The melted cheese on the top should now be chopped up and mixed thoroughly through the gruel. The cooked mixture should have a nice, loose vomit consistency, watery, like when you drank too much Jaegermeister and then ate too much at Taco Bell.



Step Eight: Garnish and Serve!

The food should now be poured into Shogun's bowl. Its very important to finish the meal with a proper presentation by sticking one more slice of American cheese on the top. He will likely not accept the meal if this garnish is forgotten, be warned!

Bon Appetit!